21 December 2018

It has been a week since my last day at work. I became a roller coaster, as usual. It is always difficult to walk away from something comfortable into the unknown. But, my best stuff comes from the unknown. So in that respect, it is worth a bit of discomfort.

My plan isn’t as concrete as I would prefer. It is more the consistency of butter. Solid in colder temperatures, but smear-able. Easy to be stretched thin. I can milk this metaphor until the cows come home.

Get ready for an abrupt change of subject, but I am wondering at what point in my life did I begin scheming? I mean, at some point, instead of just drawing or creating something, I viewed it only as a money making opportunity. It wasn’t worth doing unless it could be monetized. And then the scheming began. What could make me the most money?

And then my dreams died. I sold myself to the highest bidder, and let my interests completely fall off. Cue the constant scramble for higher pay, and utter discontent. Followed by my strong shopping addiction, and you have the perfect debt spiral.

Is it common to be in your thirties, looking back at your life and wondering, “what do I really give a shit about?” “Who am I?” Hey, age is just a number. I’ll probably be asking those questions for the rest of my life. I just hope with slightly less worry about it than now. I’m hoping the question gets easier the more times you ask it. This just happens to be my first.

Hence my current unemployment. The comfort was taking me nowhere, and that is exactly where I didn’t want to go. All I can do now is trust that I am clever enough to navigate my way through.

There comes a fair amount of guilt with my decision. And, the negativity has begun as well. “Lazy, entitled, privileged, whiner. You must hate your life for the sake of gain. Money is more important that your feelings. Get back to work. Big mistake.” Ooo, that’s that good self hate talk. That’s the kind of hate that you spread around on others too. How could you not be hard on others if you are that hard on yourself?

So that’s what I am working with. In the mean time, I am working on changing a few bad habits. Namely, eating most of my food out of plastic packages (to save time), and distracting myself from art, music, and photography for the sake of mind numbing entertainment. I ain’t bashing either practice, they have certainly been excellent means of survival for the past several years. I just need a little more home cooked food, and creativity in my life.

Give me a sec to squash the self hate talk that the last sentence just invoked.

Phew.

Can’t even fantasize about having a better life for myself without my inner voice trying to tear my shit down. That’s the kind of stuff that keeps you in unhappy circumstances for years. But, I know that if I take better care of myself, then I can take better care of others. If I lighten up on myself, I can lighten up on my significant other, family members, and friends. Coworkers, strangers. Dumbass children.

Okay, maybe not children. But, I can be nicer to people that matter.

Kidding. I know children matter. To someone.