27 December 2018

I realize why I have job jumped my whole life. 

It is because I have given myself fifty chances, and each time I fall back to anything I can because I doubt myself. I doubt my own abilities to create, or to survive. I have all the gusto to leave a job, but nothing to sustain it. I don’t yet have a plan, but damn is my brain scrambling. If there was going to be a time that I succeed, this is it. 

I have been coming up with all sorts of ideas. And then I look at my savings. 

The sheer nerve required to strike out on your own is enough to keep even the bravest amongst us clamoring. And my ability to create things is all I have ever wanted - when you take away all the random careers I have sworn an oath to, to try and succeed in. 

Back to my brain - it’s mush. Churning out solutions all day and all night to my predicament. Which I alone got myself into. Maybe a few more sleepless nights will give me the solution I desire. What I need to do is say, “to hell with consistency, brand development, logic, or theme.” I need to just sell my experiments, because maybe that is all it ever feels like, for the rest of your life. Art is just an experiment. Rather than just waiting till I get better (because that day may never come), I need to go now. That is all I have. Now. 

Jump, but stick the landing this time. I’ve waited too long for it to arrive in a complete, guaranteed package. But, choices don’t work that way. You never know the outcome going in, no matter what you’re doing. I’ve checked. 

Time to make it happen.