13 September 2018

It will make sense one day. My writing, drawings, photography, and podcasts will one day blend together seamlessly. And that is what I am working on. I am hoping for this to make sense soon. I am beginning by taming my brain.

This morning, I envisioned my brain as a sort of wild horse. Alone in the wild, running frantic in search of an unknown. Foam dripping from the mouth, blood from the nose. I suppose I am training a compassionate handler. That is my meditation - the construction of a pen that will allow the wild horse to feel safer, and perhaps rest.

Without a pen, the horse has been running itself ragged. Chaotic and unstructured. So, I need a layout that will provide a means for the wild creativity I enjoy, but within a perimeter. What was that quote…freedom is the killer of creativity? Something about how an expanse of possibilities leaves your creative self overwhelmed - how a bit of constriction is what gives you a means to create within, then expand out.

One thing I most definitely need is a place for just my writing. I am realizing that I do not enjoy blending mediums. My photography stands alone, as does my writing. Sorry world of blog consumers who enjoy pictures with their story. I like my text clean. I get lost in a text, fully entrenched. Black and while. Uncluttered.

Ah, yes. It was only a matter of time before clutter entered the scene. As simple as I prefer my world to be, my mind if far from uncluttered. It’s hard to have a clean world with a horse kicking up the dirt.

Another quick note - I will be refraining from embellishing my writing with pictures and drawings for the time being because I am trying to feel that my words are enough. Like self worth. Like all my creativity is stifled from a fear of unworthiness. The ever-pervasive thought that I am not good enough; really puts a dampener on art. So I try to fluff it up with shit I think people want from me. Next thing I know, all my art is just for others approval. “Look at this thing I did - do you like me yet?”

I write a lot. Always have. And it was altered the day I decided to publish it, rather than keep the volumes of journals at home. I started writing what I thought ya’ll wanted to read. And while it did push me to develop my visual art (ya know, so the text would be more tolerable), I would like to get back to writing how I once did. Un-manipulated by my sense of audience.