journal

27 December 2018

I realize why I have job jumped my whole life. 

It is because I have given myself fifty chances, and each time I fall back to anything I can because I doubt myself. I doubt my own abilities to create, or to survive. I have all the gusto to leave a job, but nothing to sustain it. I don’t yet have a plan, but damn is my brain scrambling. If there was going to be a time that I succeed, this is it. 

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16 November 2018

In the path towards knowledge, you discover many areas of ignorance in yourself. Do not let the discomfort of ignorance keep you from learning. I have said plenty in my life that was wrong, or narrow minded. It was in that moment that my ego fought to remain narrow minded. How embarrassing - so I felt hatred. But, hate does not create an open mind. I embraced my embarrassment as the path towards knowledge. I am still learning, and have discovered that it is much better to be a beginner in knowledge, than to remain ignorant.

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15 October 2018

15 October 2018

Happiness comes from adaptability. I am learning that if I am happy today, I tend to want to repeat it. I want my happiness to become routine, or guaranteed - leaving me stressed if it doesn't happen every day. But, nothing is guaranteed. Each moment in life will be different than the last, and it is our ability to be adaptable, to take it as it comes, and not have expectations on what each moment should be that allows us to reach happiness. 

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25 September 2018

I am wondering today if every issue I’ve experienced in life has been the result of excessive boredom. A lack of control over my brain and its inner workings. Perhaps a severe undiagnosed attention disorder. Everything that I have accomplished has been from me fighting my natural state - leading to my success in college, but also resulting in me pushing myself into things that are not right for me.

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16 September 2018

Mistakes are necessary. Whether or not what I did qualifies as a mistake is what I am wrapped up in. I suppose it is better to say that you don't know what will offend someone until you try. And sometimes, the best lessons come from offending someone, because then at least you can begin to form an opinion based on experience.

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14 September 2018

I am happy with the updates to the site. Feeling more inspired to keep creating. Sometimes things just need tidying up to get back on track. Organizing a giant mass of thoughts into a cohesive format has taken more time than I anticipated. But, it also took Cody and I a year to get the bus converted into a comfortable space. These things take time.

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